Astrological Jokes

[trent.]

Hiah

I read this on here today and it really made me laugh...
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1963

"Bedtime Prayer" for each Sign
ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!

TAURUS: "God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)... Who are you?.... What are you?..... Where are You?..... How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO: "Hi Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't ***** it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the creeps don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL- POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!"

CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.”

AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch
to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

 

[iAm]

Tru Tru Tru xxx

 

[Stacey J]

Hello again,

No worries!

Heres some more..

How to really annoy each star sign hee heeee heee

(From 'Secrets of a Stargazers Notebook')
Enemies
This time they’ve gone too far. Drive any sign stark, slobbering loony in seconds by following this guide:

Aries – Be kind to their enemies. Display no passion. Act like you don’t like them

Taurus – Spend their money, eat their food, borrow stuff, don’t return it, and tell them to hurry. Change the objects around their house when they are not looking; just move everything a few inches from their normal spot.

Gemini-Bore them to tears with long monologues about your emotional life. Don’t talk to them at all. Monopolize them at a party so they can’t move about and talk to anyone else.

Cancer – insult their mothers. Criticize their homes; warn them that they might lose their jobs or that a highway is going to be built running through their house.

Leo-Teach them something that they do not know about. Ignore them. Forget to introduce them. Chuckle at their taste.

Virgo-Whine a lot. Mess up their homes, wreck their schedules, rip off the box tops, lose the cap to the toothpaste. Smell bad.

Libra-Say “It’s up to you” a lot. Take them to ugly places. Act gross in public. Wipe your nose on your sleeve in full view. Criticize their mates. Refuse to argue with them.

Scorpio-Ask personal questions. Know too much. Be more successful than they are and don’t brag about it; it kills them.

Sagittarius-Give them lots of responsibility. Travel more than they do. Point out their lack of realism in their philosophies. Invite them to bogus functions. Make them wear clothes they hate.

Capricorn-You organize everything-they fell useless. Remind them of their lowly position. Embarrass them in public.

Aquarius-show off. Get personal and intimate. Insist they phone thirteen times a day to inform you of their exact movements. Take them for granted.

Pisces-Tell them to get a grip on themselves, that they are wallowing in self-pity. Meet them in bright, noisy, crowded places like the underground or Time Square.

Ha I absolutly love this one!
I have lots of planets in Taurus and I absolutley will not be hurried!
I love the Scorpio one 'know too much'

x

 

[Reza]

Whitewillow,

I like mine, it actually does sound quite a lot like me!

AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

And as for the other list, I think all those things would piss me off!

 

[iiztxonj]

Heehee Azalia I feel like that about Divinity too!! I have my South Node in Aquarius so maybe thats why!