Help! My massage therapist fell asleep . . . on me - The Boston Globe

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I was getting a massage at a fancy local spa courtesy of a gift certificate from a friend. It was quite nice until the massage therapist, while leaning in to apply pressure to my shoulder, literally fell asleep on me and stayed there for several minutes. I was unsure what to do. He eventually woke up and continued the massage (I was much tenser!). I left a minimal tip. What should I have done?​

S.K. / Cambridge​

First things first: You should have treated yourself to a hot shower, a large glass of wine, and a long evening of Netflix. I hope you did!​

There’s probably no point telling your friend what happened, unless the entire spa experience was bad or if the certificate had been for that particular massage therapist. In that case, your friend ought to know, so that she won’t spend money there again. According to a gifted — and awake — massage therapist of my acquaintance, this is the kind of customer-service failure that the spa manager would very much like to know about. If you’d wanted to complain afterward, or if you’re still of a mind to say something, that’s whom you talk to.​

In the moment itself . . . well, you don’t owe a tremendous amount of face-saving tact, that’s for sure. You could have awakened him with a brisk but noninjurious elbow to the ribs and ended the session. Or, if you’d been enjoying the show up to that point, Mrs. Lincoln, you could have allowed the massage to continue for its allotted time, as you ended up doing. Certainly no tip was necessary.​

I am a cashier at a drugstore in the suburbs. On early-release days the middle school students descend on the store to buy snacks. I ring up their purchases and start to give them their change when they tell me to keep the change. I tell them, “No, that’s not appropriate.” They give me a blank look. How can I explain to them that a cashier is different from a waitress?​

K.S. / Reading​

How hilarious. Big spenders! Just call them Aaron Burr, ’cause they be dropping Ham-il-tons! (That’s a Saturday Night Live joke, but I could hardly resist.)​

Of course “that’s not appropriate” will get blank looks. It’s much too vague. Imagine being in an environment where you thought you understood the social rules and being told that. How long would it take you to figure out what you were doing wrong and what you should be doing instead? If the students were capable of interpreting your statement, you wouldn’t have had to make it.​

So, operationalize: “You don’t say ‘Keep the change’ in a store.” “Waiters and baristas keep change, not store cashiers.” Allow the transaction to hold up for a minute to get the message across. Be kind and cheerful and don’t make the inevitable embarrassment worse. If any particular kid seems to handle the correction with special aplomb, ask him or her to be your ambassador to spread the word.​

Once you’ve absorbed a fair amount of knowledge, putting yourself in the mind-set of the ignorant is surprisingly hard to do. It’s a worthwhile ability to develop, though. We live in an information-rich age, which means everyone has astonishing areas of ignorance. The ability to drop (and pick up) a clue is a key 21st-century social skill.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.

HAVE YOU BEEN TREATED POORLY BY A PRO? WONDERING WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID? Send your questions to Miss Conduct at missconduct@globe.com.

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