The king and i

[jennifer h]

I PMed a bit with KidTorrid. He was helpful in my search for an AMP with a happy ending for girls.. Sadly he is out of town.

I'm still on a mission to find that AMP though!!!

But, I think I may get a studio incall apartment in the city if you all continue to spoil me like you did last week!

 

[fendoffetef]

We accept "in kind" payments for royalties, my dear.

A provider that posts in a NYC thread the day after leaving town...that takes style.

Say...let's see...Albany, then Fishkill on your calendar....have you met Skudd / Kid Torrid?

 

[Jessica V]

I should really pay you royalties for the number of times I used this line today! Love it! Perfect for all convos with good friends!



This would have been my nom for a massageplanet quote but folks would take it out of context. LOVE IT!

Thank you guys for this funny thread!

 

[Joli]

Glad you said that, man, For a second there I was starting to think you were, like, jealous or something.

 

[yogibooboo]

Seems like your stalker, the other King, couldn't get on our Q&A but wants to hear about your worldly travels. Wait until KingTiger hears about, he will want a piece of you too Man Crush, got to love it.

 

[Sean Boy]

Ahem...fuck you.

No, actually, I wasn't talking about my own stuff. While I do have a ridiculously high opinion of myself, it's not that out of control just yet.

 

[Mirroboy Nick]

ahem, barry was referring to you when he said fucking rookie thinks too highly of himself.

 

[rujxqzmv]

If you're into schizophrenia, however, it has its charm...overmoderation on half the content, total absence of moderation on the other. Like a Nazi anarchist, that Barry.



I can't speak for anyone else but it actually seems like UG is broken - keeps giving "server too busy messages"...I guess the weight of actually having entertaining content again was too much and it physically collapsed under my posts. Heh heh. Funny thing is...I'm positive I haven't missed anything since all the good shit is right here.

 

[Pompal 09.]

Not so fast, there's a reason why I am too big for other boards..

I just received a PM, a message not a prostate massage, from Barry The Admin.
For those who are not aware of Barry, he is the admin over at Spahunters, The Toilet of Sex Boards.
Barry is upset that I am giving free shill loving to the Banner advertisers on massageplanet and not on Spahunters. In addition, he is fuming at the skit "The King and I". He wants to know why I haven't posted it on his board.
Well Barry, you have a tolerance level so high that inappropriateness and decency does not exist on your board. The trolls have completely taken over and there is nothing of value left. I try to share some of my fictional works but only to be crticized by your basement dwelling members.
So this might be the end of your reign as the overseer of a 2nd rate board. Don't worry, you and Utopiaguide can feed of the crumbs massageplanet leaves behind.

 

[Witches]

I am totally convinced you guys have the best "stuff" everytime I read your threads. Priceless

 

[Adan T]

Getting requests hand over fists.

 

[Doris]

Speaking of tongues in cheeks, how's the search for the next beso negro queen going?

(Rimshot)

 

[Filinchobha]

Bravo...at least you got the tongue in cheek part.

 

[Pompal 09.]

Revisionist history...

Here’s how it really went down.

Canti: Damn, dude, you really do dress like a 1940’s pimp. That’s fucked up for a big fat white guy. Anyway, welcome and congratulations.

Otis: Thanks. I would say I am humbled but humility is a quality I lack. I hope one day to find a place in Chinatown that sells it cheap.

Canti: Excuse me I wasn’t speaking to you, I was speaking to the deli delivery boy who just had a child.

Otis: So was I.

Canti: Whatever. My focus and attention should be on you, since everyone else’s is, not that I’m jealous.

Otis: Well, for what it’s worth I understand why all the attention is directed at me. I practically stood on a chair and begged for it, for christ’s sake. You don’t write the kind of shit I write and expect to fly under the radar. I can’t help myself...

Canti: Whatever. Here you are and why don’t we fire off some questions.

Otis: What? You told me to come here for a handjob.

Canti: Yeah, I meant you’d be giving one, not getting one.

Otis: Sigh. OK. But just this once.

Canti: Anyway, let’s get on with this. First, why the moustache and dark glasses?

Otis: That’s not a mustache. I just had lunch on 33rd Street. But I don’t plan on posting about it. I’m not like you Trident boys flaunting your manhood on the boards.

Canti: You do know that it’s all fabricated, right?

Otis: Right. So the difference between you and me is that your posts are fiction presented as fact, mine are fact presented in the form and style of fiction. I’ll keep that in mind.

Canti: Yep, our stuff is all lies.

Otis: That’s cool. You guys have a fun thing going. Personally I’m not into clubs and conventions and all that. I draw inspiration from solitude and isolation.

Canti: Whatever. You’re freaking me out a little now. Do I need to put you in the same place as PaperPusher?

Otis: Fuck, no, that guy freaks even me out.

KNOCK KNOCK

Canti: Give me a second (Canti walks to the door, opens slightly and tells some one to leave)

Otis: Who was that?

Canti: That was the King, he wants to hang with you and KingTiger after our meeting.

Otis: Is there a back door I can use here?

Canti: Hey, I gave you a hard time after you went all Emily Post after seeing Tallulah, sorry for that.

Otis: You mean Emily Plath. No worries. I’m a weird, romantic dude. I’m not too bothered if someone doesn’t like my shit. I could easily see myself hating it myself if I didn’t write it. Anyway, I’d say I’m way more Lester Bangs than Emily Plath. The Lester Bangs of Pussy.

Canti: Who the fuck is Lester Bangs?

Otis: Look it up. You’re sitting at a keyboard already anyway. As far as Talullah is concerned, it’s possible she did bite off more that she can eschew, great turn of phrase props to you…I’m sure she has never had a higher maintenance client than me. But that’s pretty obvious, I suppose, once you see what a gigantic attention-whore I am. She's a lovely girl who doesn't like to hang around with creepy douchebags, which makes at least 50% of her potential client base uncomfortable.

Canti: I like the way you use words…though you still creep me out.

Otis: Thanks, that’s roughly what everyone says.

Canti: So what are your goals?

Otis: Fun and self-serving self-aggrandizement to no particular end or apparent purpose. What’s the deal, do you have Asperger’s or something, you keep looking past me.

Canti: Sorry, the other King is peering thru the window, I guess he really wants to hang with you.

Otis: Is there a back door I can use here?

Canti: I visited those wenches on East 33rd, dude that was horrible.

Otis: Did you try the back door there? Sorry, I had to say it. Anyway, yeah, they’re nice ladies. They taught me how to do needlepoint and make my own wontons, which is some sort of unsavory metaphor but it’s up to your readers to figure out what it’s all about. Anyway, it gets the job done. Weren’t you known for antics like this before?

Canti: Touche, shilling just takes up so much of my time.

Otis: Whatever. Your readers should keep in mind that I do describe each and every woman about whom I post as literally as I can and I do not exaggerate the various acts they may perform or the nature of the place or the cost or any of the stuff that is actually important to consumers…However, I am an idiosyncratic kind of guy and part of what goes into this shit is my entirely subjective impressions. You have to tell people to read the shit in that context. If I say “Coco has gigantic cans,” it means Coco has gigantic cans. If I say “Mimi blew me for $80” it means Mimi blew me for $80. If I say “Sha Sha’s eyes sparkled like watch crystals as she reached straight into my chest, pulled out my heart and tossed it against the wall, where it left a trail of blood as it slid down the whitewashed surface into the plastic trash can” it does not mean you will actually find a lady with timepieces for eyeballs who will tear your internal organs out at the top of that staircase…

Canti: Whatever. You officially creep me out. Let’s cut this meeting short.

Otis: Wait I have a lot to say. I could talk all day into tomorrow without even using any commas…

Canti: Come on dude, I am using your momentary notoriety to grab a little of the spotlight back.

Otis: No shit, Sherlock…wait, so I don’t have to give you a handjob?

Canti: No, but King and KingTiger just slipped a note under the door saying they want to get in here for a daisy chain.

Otis: Shit, if there’s no back door is there at least a fire escape?

 

[klutzie]

Due to the incredible interest in our newly anointed Rookie of the Year, I set out to see what is

KingOtis made of. The following is a segment of our conference Q & A.

Canti: Hello, Welcome and congratulations

Otis: Thanx, I am humbled…

Canti: Excuse me I wasn’t speaking to you, I was speaking to the deli delivery boy who just had a child.

Otis: Oh sorry.

Canti: Quite alright, my focus and attention should be on you, since everyone else’s is.

Otis: I don’t know why?

Canti: Neither do I, but here you are and why don’t we fire off some questions.

Otis: Shoot

Canti: Number 1, why the moustache and dark glasses

Otis: For my privacy, I am not like you Trident boys flaunting your manhood on the boards

Canti: You do know that it’s all fabricated, right

Otis: I was under the impression that these were non fiction adventures

Canti: All lies

Otis: Damn, I was hoping to become a Trident

Canti: See Scott68, he is running the group now.

Otis: Will you put in a good word

Canti: NO

KNOCK KNOCK

Canti: Give me a second (Canti walks to the door, opens slightly and tells some one to leave)

Otis; Who was that

Canti: That was the King, he wants to hang with you and KingTiger after our meeting.

Otis: Oh Boy, friends at last.

Canti: Hey, I gave you a hard time after you went all Emily Post after seeing Tallulah, sorry for that.

Otis: Yea, she really bit off more that she can eschew,

Canti: I like the way you use words

Otis: Thanx

Canti: So what are your goals

Otis: I just like to have fun and…

Canti: Sorry, the other King is peering thru the window, I guess he really wants to hang with you.

Otis: It’s all good

Canti: I visited those wenches on e33rd, dude that was horrible

Otis: It gets the job done, weren’t you known for antics like this before

Canti: Touche, shilling just takes up so much of my time.

Otis: Well as you can see…

Canti: Let’s cut this meeting short, someone just slipped a note under the door, must be King again.

Otis: Wait I have a lot to say

Canti: Come on dude, I am using your momentary notoriety to grab a little of the spotlight back, enjoy your 3 Kings Picnic.

Peace out…