Why I have a Waxgirl

[Nathan S]

I'm happy to be able to say that I didn't write this...but omg, it made me laugh so hard! :

[FONT=Tahoma, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,

Painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on......



My night began as any other normal week night. Come home, fix dinner, play

With the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind

For the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the

Medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was

One of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub

The strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and

Press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.



No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am

Mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)



So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other

Stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I

Get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax',

Yeah,..right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it

Tight and pull. It works!



OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!



I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin

Extraordinaire.



With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak

Back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop

My panties and place one foot on the toilet.



Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my

Bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the

Inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace

Myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!



I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!



Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the

Strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPPPPP! Everything is spinning and

Spotted.



I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I

Hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.







I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so

Much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory

That is my triumph over body hair.



I hold up the strip!



There's no hair on it.



Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???



Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the

Hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am

Touching wax.



I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now

Covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...

Remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do

Something. So I put my foot down.



Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!



I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think

To myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?



Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand,

Into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should

Melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*



I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture

Prisoners Of War or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.



Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is

Having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in

Scalding hot water.



Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.



So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself

To the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago

To have a phone put in the bathroom!



I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret

Of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.... 'So, my

Butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'





There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but

she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks

or hoo-ha?'



She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown

and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.



YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.



While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax

off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies

covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then

dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm

pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this

event.



My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the

lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.



What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY

GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of

my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.



IT WORKS!!



It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I

successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and

despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it

off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg

at this point.



Next week I'm going to try hair color.....





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[s d]

Now I have to add to my 'bucket list', seeing a butt and a hoo-ha glued together and stuck to a tub.

 

[Tom C]

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

To myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off




LOL :

 

[Medic]

I am so glad to have been born a man.

 

[ishameluvu]

Come on Silly girl. Admit it....was you :aww:

 

[killedbyapenny]

No, it really wasn't me. I'd admit it if it were, if only to claim such a hilarious story. :tongue:

 

[Silkynsexy]

All I want to know is if that bum in your sic pic is you, YUM! :love:

Funny post btw!!:

 

[naenae0011]

Funny shit!:

 

[Gia C]

YUM! is right, and no it's not.

If that was my bum, I'd tell EVERYBODY! :tongue: